Hmm, so I set this blog up and got lazy on it. Well one amazing friend of mine said I should get back into it…and I’ve been thinking up a post for a while, so here we are :]

So…changes. This past month has been crazy for me. Lots of things have changed, with my living/moving situation. Either way, I have a new family. No, not adoption or anything. Just that circle of friends that can be counted on for anything, those friends that you can joke with, confide in and insult without them taking it seriously. Over the course of a month, I’ve met a lot of new people, partied like I haven’t before,  and some other things that aren’t safe for work (wink wink). It’s a huge change from the normally inverted chick who sits around at her computer all day.

Not that I’m suddenly some wild, sex-crazed party girl. I’m still that shy, awkward geek. You just need the right mix of people to bring out the best sides in you. Or at least, I found the right mix of people that helped me open up a bit.

It’s so strange, though. This is stuff I’m experiencing for the first time. And yet, a lot of people experienced this in their teenage years. Am I socially challenged? Maybe I developed at a slower rate, socially. But hell, just because I’m 20, that doesn’t mean that suddenly, I’m this super responsible adult who can take care of anything. I’ve always said I’m young at heart, and maybe I am…but it could be because my teenage years were usually spent pent up in my room or arguing with my parents on what I should be doing to get better grades in school. I was never really outgoing in high school. My mother thinks I’m trying to make up for all that lost time. Maybe I am.

Is it possible to be socially challenged? Like a developmentally challenged child who develops and grows up at a slower rate than other children…  I mean, I could get along fine in a social situation before; it’s not like I was so awkward that I couldn’t even hold a conversation with someone. But I guess I wasn’t at the same social level that other teenagers were at, on levels of sexual activity, party life, whatever. Always one step behind, always kind of wishing that I could have done that…although I never did anything to make that wish happen.

Then suddenly, in one month, it’s like an explosion of new things. If you keep up with my facebook page, I post pictures of everything, and they usually involve the said family I’m talking about. Each picture is a memory of an adventure had with them…and the adventure wouldn’t have happened without this sudden explosion of let’s try new things and the introduction of new people. So to the people involved, you have my thanks. Being dragged out of my cocoon is a wonderful thing, and if the people I’m around encourage it, that makes it even better.

And hey, if this much happens in just one month…imagine what’s to come in the future.

posted by Icey
Tags: awkward, changes, family, introverted, love, party, sex-crazed, shy, socially challenged, wild
Filed under: Thoughts

So my husband and I started watching Zoids again. He’s a huge fan of New Century Zero and I’m a big fan of Chaotic Century, so we watched both series. I think I’ll always be the twelve year old fangirl that I was when I started falling in love with the show.

Good lord, can you spell nostalgia? I’m not as familiar with New Century Zero but when we were watching Chaotic Century I was practically bouncing in my seat, all excited. It reminded me of those crap-tastic AMVs I said I made in my head. Hell, for old time’s sake, I put some music to the last episode of Chaotic Century and it matched up perfect. I don’t think I’ll ever outgrow that.

After we went through most of New Century Zero and my husband was asleep, I ended up going through a bunch of old Zoids fanfiction I have. I can’t write fanfiction as good as I used to, but I still have all my old stories saved. Anything I wrote before 2006 is crap. Hell, I’ll say anything I wrote before 2008 was crap at times, but I do have moments of good writing.

Anyways, I went to one of my major projects, Zoids: Zero Gravity – the fan series! The link at THL is the only place it exists now.  I considered taking the series down for a while. But after a good dose of Zoids, I went through my fan series and not only saw the blatant rip offs from the show (character parallels, mostly), but I saw…something different. The writing for Zero Gravity isn’t like any of the writing I do now. My main novel, Forbidden Paradise, is about sex, drama and deceit. Zero Gravity has a much more innocent tone. Mostly because it’s about a competition and the power of friendship (the running theme of about 9/10 of all anime out). I won’t say that there’s a power in my writing, but there is definitely a power in fangirlism. Since Zero Gravity is just one big fanfic tied up in the form of a series (that is, a TV show in pure text), I see it as just one big declaration of my fangirlism. And I think that’s one reason why I still love that chunk of atrocious writing now, haha.

And like other things I used to be a major fangirl over (Pokemon, anyone?), I’ll always love Zoids. Doesn’t matter if I’m twelve, or twenty. I’ll always be that twelve year old fangirl cheering for the good guys and secretly liking the bad guy. I don’t think anything can change that.

posted by Icey
Tags: anime, fan series, fanfiction, fangirl, nostalgia, writing, zoids, zoids chaotic century, zoids new century zero
Filed under: Thoughts

So something happened last night that hasn’t happened in a long time.

No, not that, you pervs.

See, I got my start on the late nights when I was twelve. I used to stay up watching anime. But I wouldn’t really be watching it, I’d be trying to set it to some sort of music. I’d be making those crap-tastic AMVs that invade youtube, except without the actual making of crap-tastic AMVs. Anyways, that evolved into me just losing myself in the music. I’d make up dance routines, I’d throw concerts in my head. I don’t know, maybe it was the mark of a lonely kid. But the music was the one thing I could always escape to. And in those days, I’d be armed with a $20 Wal Mart CD player (I went through CD players fast with all the abuse I put them through) and whatever CD I was obsessed with at the time.

Over time,  as I’ve been working on projects and as I’ve had the power of the interwebz in my room, those little dancing sessions have ended. And since my husband and I are up most of the night watching shows and movies, I don’t do it anymore (and I’m too self conscious to do it anyways). So it’s something I’ve kind of forgotten about. Kind of makes me sad, considering how much time I used to spend making up dance moves and music videos in my head.

Last night though, I was restless beyond belief. Didn’t want to settle down and do something productive like write, and because of how I’ve been sick, I’ve been going to sleep at maybe 4 AM because the coughing’s been keeping me up. And I was just struck with this idea to dance again. So this time, instead of a $20 Wal Mart CD player, I armed myself with my iPod Nano, moved to where I wouldn’t wake my husband up, and just let go.

Music is magic for me. It’s not just a series of beats and lyrics. It’s a wave of emotions. I tell people I see sound in shapes, like someone’s voice sounds like a jagged line, or a wavy line. Likewise, I absorb music in a series of emotions. So to lose myself in the music becomes a bit of an emotional release. Even if I’m not feeling that emotion at the time, I can pull it up for the song and let it wash out. I don’t know if everyone does that or not, that’s just the way I do it.

Unfortunately, dancing with congestion is not the best idea. This illness I have (self diagnosis says bronchitis) doesn’t let me breathe easily, so when I can only breathe through my mouth and I’ve been getting an average of about five hours of sleep a night, I wore myself out pretty fast. But good lord, that dance was fun. It was like the whole world just disappeared for a short time. No worries, no responsibilities. Music doesn’t have an agenda. It just plays.

Ever since Lady Gaga’s song “Just Dance” came out, I’ve kind of used it to help remind me that things will work itself out and to not stress myself out over little details. Say what you want about Gaga and her music, but hey, the woman does have a point. Just dance. It’ll be okay.

In that small space where I danced in the dark, I felt like everything was going to be okay. Just for that one moment. I’d love to be able to carry that feeling with me wherever I went.

posted by Icey
Tags: AMV, anime, bronchitis, CD player, Dance in the Dark, dancing, iPod, Just Dance, Lady Gaga, music, night
Filed under: Thoughts

So I first got active on the internet back in 2003. I was a very absurd little thirteen year old child. Totally anime obsessed, wannabe fanfiction writer, and hyper off of sugar just about every second of the day. Didn’t have any exposure to anyone on the internet – I just jumped in blindly. Found a couple of forums and developed my online “personality” of a sugar high, anime-obsessed, wannabe fanfiction writer who likes to use smileys every other sentence and was really enthusiastic!!!!!!111 ^__^

Ew. It actually kind of hurts to use that smiley now, haha.

Anyways, over time I started to get to know these guys online. I’m…not exactly sure what it was I wanted from them. Not for them all to confess their undying love for me and *insert romantic fairy tale here* …it was more like, I wanted to be noticed. So I kind of became this geeky girl. Well, I’ve been a geek, but it wasn’t until I really got active online that I embraced the geekiness, and only recently have I been a proud “out of the closet” sort of geek.

Thing is, offline, geeky girls are common only if you know where to look. Online? They’re everywhere. So I wasn’t really this cute little geek who’s available for all these guys to talk to. There’s always going to be that gamer/hacker/anime enthusiast to one up me. Cue territoriality? Sure.  Territoriality of what, though? My husband gives me constant reassurance that I’m the only one he wants. Do I doubt him? No. Do I still worry about some other girl coming along, that’s ten times what I am now? Absolutely. That’s not because of him though, that’s my own insecurity. See, in my mind, that one person who’s going to one-up me is the one person I decide not to like, even if they have no interest in me, my husband, my friends, my life….whatever. It’s this thing to be better than whoever that person is. You could call it fear of competition if you’d like but to me…it’s that delusional narcissism stepping in, saying that I am the best, that I do deserve whatever it is that I have. And that one person to come and interrupt that is a threat to that “I deserve” voice of mine.

Doesn’t make sense? I dunno. Maybe not. My husband is always talking about how we’re going to take over the world and how I’d be his Empress. Empresses do not have equals, or competition. Self delusional? Absolutely. Maybe it’s just what keeps my delusional little mind balanced and content, though.

Moral of the story? Depressing one, maybe. As unique as we try to be, there’s always someone out there like us. Sure, maybe not an exact clone to the nth degree, but we’re more delusional than I currently am to think we’re unique. I thought I could be the only geeky female girl out there when I was younger.

But that doesn’t mean we should resign ourselves to the fact that there’s 239023 people out there like you and just give up hope. As much as we’re alike the next person, we are special. We just have to find out how. That’s the search that I’m still on, trying to figure out what makes me better than every other geeky chick out there, aside from an inflated sense of privilege.  Hopefully, your search isn’t as long and complicated as mine.

And yes, I was serious about the whole Empress thing.

posted by Icey
Tags: anime, competition, Empress, fanfiction, fanfiction writer, geek, girl, internet, narcissism, privilege, special, writer
Filed under: Thoughts

We’re all narcissists in a way, anyways. Or at least, there’s always that feeling of pride. Of wanting to be noticed. Or in my case, the desire to be famous.

Welcome to Delusions of Grandeur. Yet another blog experiment from me. This would have to be maybe my third attempt at keeping a blog? I had a Xanga way back when, and a blogger account too. I actually just shut down said blogger account, since it only had maybe a month’s worth of posts from 2008 on it.

So what makes this so different? And who am I? Why do you care about me and why are you reading my blog? I can’t answer that question. I’m just another girl out there on t3h interwebz. I’d love to say I’m a unique anime-loving computer geek but hey, chicks like that are a dime a dozen on the internet.

So here I am. Name’s Icey. 20 years old, unpublished writer, wannabe web designer, l33t h4x0r (LOL), computer geek, internet pop culture enthusiast….blah blah blah. I could keep listing words, but they’re boring. Words are words. And we can all glamorize ourselves to look like the bestest, most amazing person evar!!!11 I don’t want to do that.

So what the hell kind of “who am I?” answer was that? I dunno. Who I am can’t be spelled in words. Keep on reading and you’ll get your answer ;]

posted by Icey
Tags: introduction, l33t, me, narcissism, who am i, writer
Filed under: Generic stuff